Upon Vestia: Chapter Eight

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Starr held on when the airlocks were opened, keeping her position.  She waited to see who if any of the slavers would reach her first. Shane, doing the same in his position.

~~~
Skye and Moone nodded, moving closer to the vent to be ready to get the younger kids inside

"Still I hurt you." He sighed numbly, focusing on remembering the layout of his room to find his closet.

"Thalia, for goodness sake, it was an accident!" He went to wash the last of the blood off his hands and face. "You remember you punched me in the face when we first met?" He laughed softly. "I totally accept the risk to my face okay?" He joked. "totally worth it."

-- time skip --

A couple of days passed. People slept, people sobbed into their pillows, people came to terms with the shit they'd just endured and the idea they were actually free.

Matt continued to argue with Thalia that he definitely wasn't to blame for breaking his nose and should stop feeling bad about it omg.

Food and drink were brought to the prisoners. Medical assistance was offered to those who still needed it.

Kay avoided Asher whenever he could, Kay really avoided most everyone whenever he could. He still did his job, but he took to getting up and walking out whenever Asher came in. Suffice to say, things were pretty tense in the medical bay right now.

While Thalia got much needed rest, Matt would go check on everyone. Make sure the kids were okay, check in on Ellie and give her a huge "Sorry for everything" Hug. Eventually he worked his way around to his brother...

Matt knocked on the door and tried to look reassuring as Kay glared at him and picked up his tablet to type. He didn't want to talk damnit.

[If you're here to tell me everything's going to be alright, you're wasting your breath.] He stayed where he was, curled up with his chin resting on his knees.

Matt shook his head and came to sit down.
“No, I get it. “

Kay didn't look like he believed him.

“Wanna talk about it?” Matt tried.

Kay frowned. [I don't know what there is to say. He's not the person I thought he was. ]

Matt sighed. “Kay, NONE of us are the people anyone thought we were. We all do it, have these masks we wear, to make us feel like we're better people than we really are.”

[I don't know if I can reconcile this revelation with the man I fell in love with. Asher was supposed to be kind and gentle and... I spent so long worrying that i'd hurt him, it never occurred to me that he could hurt me.]

Matt reached out a hand to pat Kay's shoulder. “He's still that same person Kay. “

Kay shook his head. [I don't know if I can forgive him. ]

Matt sighed. “Kay. You are honestly the most forgiving person I have ever met. I mean, look at our family. No matter what awful shit any of us get up to, you'll always defend us. No matter how many people Stellan's hurt, you still love him. No matter what awful war crimes Jessana commits, you will always tell me and Web that she's our sister and we have to care. You've seen what i'm capable of and yet you still trust me. Don't you?”

Kay nodded. [That's different though, you're family.]

“It's not though, it's not different at all. If you genuinely love someone, you take the bad with the good. We've seen one another at our absolute worst and we've worked through it. You tried to kill me once, do you remember that? “

Kay shook his head.

“When you were sick. You snapped, you tried to tear my throat out. We had to barricade the door. Point is, despite that, I will still stand by you every single day through everything because I love you. No matter what raging beast you become, no matter what horrors you commit, you're still my brother and you're still my best friend. I will always forgive you. “

Kay frowned. [I would never purposely hurt you though. He was in control of what he was doing, he made a cold calculation and decided that it was worth hurting me.]

“For the greater good!”

[How can you sacrifice someone you claim to love for the greater good Matt?]

“Kay... “

[You were right, it was all a careful mimicry of genuine emotion, a deception. ]

“You don't really believe that.”

[Why not? It's easier to think he never loved me at all. ]

“No. Kay, you've always been an excellent judge of character, you convinced me that he was more than a machine, that his feelings were genuine and i've always trusted your judgment on this kinda thing.”

[This time I was wrong.]

“No, no you weren't. Before we were captured, we were all pretty convinced we were about to die and he asked me to tell you he loved you. Why would he lie? What purpose would it serve?”

Kay closed his eyes. [I don't know.]

“I honestly believe he does care for you, a great deal. And that he made a really awful difficult decision to hurt you, knowing it would break your heart and his.. or whatever he has that passes for a heart.. . You know.. anyway, point is, he was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, to save everyone. Isn't that commendable?”

[It wasn't just HIS choice to make. We're supposed to be partners, what about whether I was willing to make that sacrifice? ]

“Kay, we all did terrible things back there out of necessity. “

[Would you have done it?]

“What?”

[If they told you they'd let the kids go if you shot me, would you do it?]

Matt frowned. “I … I don't know, I really don't.”

Kay shook his head. [You couldn't. And you wouldn't hurt Thalia either, even to save the children you wouldn't hurt him.]

“Kay, I would happily have murdered every last person on that base to get everyone else safe. I don't understand. You have forgiven far greater crimes Kay, far far more terrible things. Would you have been so upset had he done this to someone else and argued the greater good?”

Kay looked conflicted. [I... I don't know.. ]

“I know it hurts and I know you're angry and feel betrayed, but try to see the bigger picture. If you can forgive Merith for those millions of lives, Heny for TWELVE PLANETS of innocent bystanders... if you can forgive me for all i've ever done, you can forgive him. “

[They weren't in control of their actions, you weren't in control. It was your elemental... ]

“Kay, let me make this perfectly clear to you. My elemental? It's barely sentient, it sure as hell isn't sapient. If I let it take over, I go catatonic. You've seen me retreat and let it take control, I can't do anything. All I do is sit at the bottom of a lake. You really think it can kill people? That it can threaten people? That it can beat a woman to death? No Kay, I WANTED to kill them.“

Kay stared at Matt wide eyed.

“I don't regret anything I did back there. I would do it again if I had to. You can read my mind Kay, you know full well I have absolutely NO guilt for anything that happened there. Those people deserved to die. You just don't want to believe that i'm anything other than the happy, optimistic good person you've painted me as in your head. You KNOW that's not true, you of all people know full well it's not true. “

Tears welled in Kay's eyes, he was right. He had always known what his brother was capable of, he'd just never wanted to admit it, because the idea terrified him.

“Do you still trust me Kay? Knowing all that, do you still trust me?” Matt asked.

Kay nodded. [Of course I do. ]

“Why?”

[I don't know.]

“NONE of us are who we pretend to be. We all have these aspects of ourselves we try to keep locked up tight, kept out of view because we don't want to be those people. Kay... you got to see Asher at his very worst, and he's seen you at yours. It's the sort of thing that either breaks or makes a relationship. EVERYONE hides things about themselves, hoping they'll never come up. Hell, we've known one another what, twenty years? That's the first time i've ever seen your real face. And let me tell you, it was terrifying. But it ultimately changes nothing because deep down I know you're still YOU, just as you know i'm still me, and Asher is still the same person you fell in love with, that person hasn't ceased to exist. And you still care about him because if you didn't you wouldn't be so hurt right now. If you can still trust me after all of this, then you can damn well trust him.”

Kay closed his eyes. [I think I just want to go home.]

“Oh Kay, not this again.”

[I don't think I can stay here. I can't pretend like nothing has happened and that everything is okay. It's not, and I don't think it ever will be.]

“You always do this.”

[Do what?]

“Run away. Whenever anything gets too much, you wrap yourself up in this big cozy blanket of denial and self loathing and you run away. And here's the thing Kay, it doesn't work. Because no matter where you go, you carry all that hurt and pain and despair with you. You just keep piling it on and trying to keep moving, and eventually it's just going to crush you. You have to face your demons, you have to actually stop for a moment and shed some of that baggage because it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of WHEN it all becomes too much to carry any more. “

[You can hardly talk, you run from everything.]

“Difference is Kay, I don't carry the hurt with me. I left that behind. I abandoned all the guilt and the hurting and the self loathing, I left it all at the door and I ran, and maybe some day this big ol' wave of angst will crash down on me, but that's why I keep moving. Because if I stop, it'll catch up. I stay ahead of it, avoid it. You? You don't know how to let it go. You throw yourself into distractions because it stops you thinking, because it allows you to pretend like you're okay, but you're not okay. You've worn all this hurt like an old coat for so long, you don't know how to take it off. Every time something happens you just add another layer on top and keep going. It's time to stop, just... stop. Please? I can't stand to watch you continue to do this to yourself.”

Kay sobbed quietly. [I can't face this.]

“Yes you CAN. Kay, you are strong and brave and incredible. You have endured such awful things in your life that would have utterly destroyed anyone else. The fact you're as functional as you are despite all that baggage is astounding. You CAN face this, you can work through it. I know you can, because I know you. You're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for Kay. And so much better than you ever let yourself believe. You deserve happiness. And I know you can't let yourself believe that, which is why I have to keep telling you. Kay. You DESERVE to be happy. You deserve to be loved and you ARE. And you know why? Because you're a brilliant, amazing and ultimately compassionate person.
You can fix this, I know you can. “

[What if I don't want to?]

Matt snorted. “Bullshit. You're really gonna let that asshole Family ruin what you guys had? Don't let them win! Asher may say he made the decision himself but he didn't, he was put in a position where it was the only option he could see that would help. And you know what? I know you Kay, if he'd have been able to tell you what he was planning, you'd have gone along with it. Why? Because that's who you are, you care about the greater good just as much as he does. If he'd have said to you I'm gonna have to shoot you to prove my loyalty and hopefully get everyone out of here you'd have said okay, i'll try to make sure it looks as painful as possible. You KNOW this is true Kay, you can't tell me you wouldn't have sacrificed yourself if you thought it would help.”

Matt was of course right, had Kay known, he would have gone along with it. But it didn't make this all any easier to come to terms with. That cold look in Asher's eyes, he hadn't even hesitated. Kay shuddered.
[I should have had a say.]

“How was he supposed to tell you? Making that choice without your agreement sucks, I get that, but you understand why he did it, why it had to be that way. You guys can work through this and come out stronger than ever, and you should, because you guys are great together, i've never seen you as happy as you are when you're with him and you just cannot let those pricks take that from you both. “ Matt continued

Kay shook his head. [What if we were wrong about him all along? He even said he can't be sure he won't do it again. How can I ever trust him? What if that's the real him, this cold, calculating machine...]

“Kay... you don't really believe that.”

[I don't know what to think.]

“You'll work it out, I have faith in you both. Love always wins out in the end.”

[I wish I could share your optimism Mattias.]

“Hey you're welcome to it, that's why i'm here. To introduce that little ray of sunshine into that bleak little head of yours.” Matt smiled softly.

[Thank you. ]

“Any time little bro. “ Matt pulled him into a hug. “It's going to be okay. I know, you told me not to waste my breath telling you that, but it will be, I promise. “

[I just want to go back to how things were]

“Well why can't you? You're both still the same people, a little more fucked up perhaps, but still the same people. If you both still love one another, then why the hell can't you go back?”

[Because every time I look at him I see that blank, cold expression and remember the pain.]

“Then find a better memory to associate with him. Make a better memory. Kay, I watched Thalia die repeatedly, they played back every single one on repeat for my personal enjoyment. He's NEVER going to be the same, but you know what? I don't want to remember the torture or the deaths or the agony he was in, I want to look at him and see joy and love and think of good things. Because if I don't, if I don't then we'll never get over it. It's not just for his sake, but for mine. I never want to remember those two weeks and what it did to us. I just can't. If you allow yourself to dwell on this one awful experience, on this single orchestrated pain, you'll be back in that cell forever. You HAVE to move on, you have to get beyond it. You have to be able to look at Asher and not see a gun, but see whatever it is you fell for in the first place. Kay... focus on those good things, remember those good things. “ Tears welled in Matt's eyes as he spoke and Kay reached out to comfort him.

Kay felt a pang of guilt. Here he was moping about his own problems and Matt had endured absolute hell. Thalia, Heny, Merith, they'd gone through so much. As Matt sobbed on his shoulder Kay realized with absolute clarity what he'd been missing. The bigger picture, the greater good.
If the others were going to pick themselves up after all this, damnit, he was too. Matt was right, Matt was always bloody right.

[Go back to your boyfriend Matt, he needs you more than I do.]

Matt nodded. “Kay... just... be happy okay? Find happiness. Even if it's brief, even if it's fleeting, find it, hang onto it and don't you dare forget it.”

Kay nodded. [I'll do my best]

Matt stood to leave, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “Gods I hate crying.”

Kay looked slightly bemused. [It's healthy to have a good cry every so often.]

“yeah, that's what sitting at the bottom of lakes it for!” Matt smiled weakly. “You're gonna be okay?”

Kay nodded. [you?]

“Yeah, I think so. “ He turned to leave. “Things are going to get better, I really honestly believe that. It's gonna be okay.”
He went back to Thalia's room.

Ellie spent her days recovering from her imprisonment by exercising and learning to use a gun, hoping to channel her feelings of helplessness and rage into something somewhat constructive, such as preparing herself the next member of the Family who tried to hurt her friends. She also ate a lot, because they Family had underfed her on gross food while she was a prisoner.

~~
Asher coped with his guilt and loneliness by working hard, giving Kay as much space as their jobs allowed, and not talking much to anyone. When he wasn't doing medical work, he busied himself with ship repairs. He also took the time to rip out the Family-provided charging cable and attach a generic-branded replacement, and install a new data cable to replace the one he had torn out.

As matt would enter he would make just the right sound of noise to make Thaila wake in start and fling his arm at his poor very flamable dresser. It went up in a whoosh as he stayed sitting up heavily panting while in a cold sweat, "D-damnit!"

Matt blinked in surprise and immediately doused the flames with a wave of his own hands.
He coughed a little at the smoke and steam that lingered in the air.

"Okay... you really need to get some training man." He went to Thalia's side. "you okay?"

As Vestia's sensors detected the smoke, she hit them with a blast of fire suppressant foam, not knowing the fire was over yet.

"J-just...another bad dream.." He muttered gingerly rubbling his still healing face. He kept on having alot of those "bad dreams" which lead to some rather eventful wake ups if he was triggered just right. Still being blind didn't help his poor case either.

"Ack Vestia!!!" He broke into a coughing fit, wincing at the pain this caused to his badly bruised face. "OKay.. I say we flee the scene... Go get you some food. Clear up the mess later." He brushed foam off himself and reached out to brush the stuff off Thalia as well.

While Matt never seemed overly freaked out by the random fires, it was getting a little bit exhausting being constantly woken by some drama. Still, he wasn't sure it was totally safe for Thalia to sleep alone anyway, not if he kept having these bad dreams and going into attack mode.

"Sorry," Vestia said, "Wasn't sure what was happening. I can send in some bots to clean up."

Thaila sneezed some foam out as he brushed some off himself. He sighed and stood holding this look of frustastion he was really tempting to start sleeping in one of the free cells, at least there he can't harm people...or light the wall on fire. Thaila had lost count of the times poor matt got hurt in his waking frenzy, and even though Matt tried to assure him it was alright the guilt was eating him alive.

Starr had calmed the longer they were on Vestia. She had gone over her things, figuring out what was missing and what needed replacing. She would have to set about making another replacement amulet, but she still would need to see Kay shift to his wolf to make one to block that while allowing his normal transformations. Whenever she wasn't working on that stuff, she would check on the prisoners both in the brig and in Matthew's room. She didn't trust him at all and expected he would try to find some way to escape.

~~~
Shane had been quieter than normal as he went about his days. Starr wasn't teaching him anymore right then, so he didn't have all that much to keep him occupied.

~~~
Skye tried to help Moone learn to control her powers, but whenever the younger girl got startled she would just disappear, going most often to their room, but sometimes going to the center of the ship. If someone was touching her they would go with her, except for Skye, who was immune to magic and couldn't go with her sister to calm her again.

Matt tried so hard to be reassuring and calm, for Thalia's sake more than anything else. He could totally deal with being scalded and punched and kicked, oh it wasn't fun but he knew Thalia was messed up right now and needed his support.
"Come on, let's get food." He found some non burned, soaked clothing for the poor guy.

Thaila sighed and dully put it on, praying no one was in the galley when they went to get food.


---

Heny would be in all best terms a vegatable. She would eat and so forth but would stay in her room nearly all the time and stayed in bed for the most part. She stopped speaking also to people.

While once Merith had healed and did visit Heny often, he'd often slip away while she rested. It wasn't as if he didn't care for her, it was just that he now had several new things on his mind. It wasn't something he could -- or should -- share with her. It wasn't something that the rest of the crew could look at and talk to him about. He needed someone who purely didn't give a fuck. He needed someone who'd pretty much forgive you on all sorts of levels as long as you knew how to have a good time. Someone who'd accept your apology no matter how much the guilt.

And that very person had dedicated himself to help Vestia's bots peel potatoes for the crew and the prisoners, purely because he was bored and he assumed with the sudden spike of passengers, much help was needed.

Merith stepped in the kitchen, and Reiden shock looked up from his knife playing over the sink, his hands skillfully chopping off the browned skin of the rooty starch. The bird man grinned, "Yo man, finally got some free time, eh? How many of those bastards tried to chastise you for not being with the lady twenty four seven?"

The Keeper couldn't help but chuckle, "I've avoided that confrontation as much as I could." Merith picked up a knife of his own and began to help peel, granted only half as fast as his friend, who actually seemed to be doing his job at a leisurely pace. Now, Shock eyed Merith down, reading his body language and expression.

"... Your worried for her."

"Who?"

"That woman that helped us. You know her, right? Her weird fox things kept fawning over you like royalty."

"Inari? Hell no," Merith suddenly burst out laughing, "If there's one person in this universe the family can't catch, it's Inari. They could chase her to the end of time and they'd still never get their grasp on her. She's that good." He pondered down at the half-skinned potato in his hand. "No... I'm just... Afraid."

"That you've hurt both of them." Shock said leniently, obviously talking about Heny and Inari.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Dude, you're a ladies' man left and right. Hell, you get ladies fawning over you unintentionally sometimes. Don't think I didn't notice that." Shock flicked the knife point in Merith's direction, "Now that's a superpower I'd want. Were you secretly Terran's Zues?"

"You really think I could work a beard like that?"

Shock laughed, "No, no I guess not." He went back to peeling potatoes. "But, don't be too hard on yourself, man. We're free, we're alive, we all make mistakes, and we got potatoes. I'm actually starting to think you're one of the more sane ones on this ship now that you've gotten control of your powers."

Merith sighed, "When you look at us, all of us vagabonds lumped together. I doubt we're really the good guys. We don't champion a cause. What we are is a bunch of exiles and runaways floating along needlessly in space trying to get away from something bigger than us." He glanced down sorrowfully, "I think that's why I fell in love with Inari. She made me feel like I actually had a purpose in all of this."

"And Heny?"

"... I don't know." The male said, looking at his friend, "I care for her very much, and love her just as much as that and more, but I'm always wondering, what am I here for? Is this what Heny's been doing all this time? Is this what they've been doing all this time? They aren't fighting, they're running away. This isn't the future is hoped for. I'm tired of running away."

Shock sighed, "Well, what do you plan on doing about it?"

"I don't know that, either," Merith said, returning to his peeling, "But I'll figure it out."

"Until then, live and let live, right?" He placed down the peeler and went to go get two glasses and a wine bottle, easily popping it open. He poured the two drinks and help his own up in a toast. "To living, my man."

"To living."

Kay would keep checking on Heny out of a sense of obligation, but he was pretty certain there was no getting through to her. he'd make sure her vitals were fine, that the baby was fine, but he gave up trying to get a response out of her.

He was always grateful to see Merith with her, at least he was trying. But Kay mostly tried to avoid him, he'd leave when he came in, at best he'd get a brisk update on her and the child's condition as Kay made a rapid exit.

Problem for Kay was, his usual method of throwing himself into work just wasn't working. How could you work when everything reminded you of the person you were trying not to think about? And most of the crew's wounds were mental, not physical. He couldn't heal his own trauma, what hope did he have of helping anyone else?

He couldn't quite work up the courage to talk to Asher. He didn't feel he could quite face that just yet. Instead he wandered the ship, looking for something, ANYTHING to distract him.

--

Mourn had at some point helped himself to a few weapons from the armory and was much much happier to be armed again. He spent a lot of time practicing. Useful the ship happened to have a firing range then.

Lai would be sitting up in the better quarters, silently fuming at this arangement they forced her to be in due to a foolish assumption. She looked in all honestly pissed off and whenever someone entered she would asked about Matthew and how he was healing, to probably the shocks of the others who would assume she was brain washed or something.

Matthew would also be just as pissed, if not more, than Lai when he was informed of the new arrangement. He actually had the gall to spit insults and profanities but was obviously held at bay with whatever weapon they brought in that day. His crimson eyes seethed with hatred as he watched his wife be escorted out of his sight, remembering why he really didn't like these people. "Self-righteous spoiled brats, these people are..." He muttered, before sitting back on his air bed, alone. And stared at the door for a moment before putting his head in his hands in silence.

Kay headed to the kitchens to find something to eat, maybe that'd be a distraction who the heck knew. He'd never much been one for comfort eating but hey, apparently it helped when you were emotional.

He just sort of nodded halfheartedly at Shock and Merith.

Shock and Meroth both waved wth a free hand as they downed their wine. "Yo." The avian coughed, "We're drowning our worries in sweet rose. Want some? Hakuna matata, and all that shit."

Kay hesitated, then found a glass and joined them. Why the hell not?
He didn't say anything, he just poured a glass and downed it rapidly.

Matt and Thalia reached the kitchen. Matt still had a bit of fire suppressant foam on his clothes and was pretty bruised up. It was a nasty broken nose, with a nice slowly healing black eye. He was actually really glad Thalia couldn't see right now, he'd just feel worse.

He tilted his head at the sight of the three drinking together. "I'd question whether it was too early to get drunk but given the emotional states of everyone... " He shrugged and started going through cupboards for something to eat.

Asher would go to check on Lai.

Thaila wouls fumble around for a seat, listening to the sounds of the galley.


---

Lai would glare at Asher with obvious fuming, she really didnt eat much but that was because the food served to her didnt agree to her palete at all, "How is my husband healing?" She asked, seeing if the medic would reply this time or ignore her like the last one.

"He's recovering well," Asher said, scanning her back to see how the damage was healing. "Is the food not agreeing with you? You don't seem to be eating much."

"Its not to my taste..when will I see him again?" She watched him like a hawk, her feather like hair raising in her species natural way of defense in attempt to make themselves look bigger. The truth was this pissy nature was more because she was scared, first marrying off to a man she jusf met off a station she lived on her whole life to a ship of which she started to just call home to loose it ans end up here. Now add in the factor the only two people she ereally trusted were seperated from her and without her bag to give her some security it was a miracle she hasn't fully lost it yet.