Upon Vestia: Chapter Twenty-One

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Luka made a face. "gross. Computer, regular clothes please." She looked relieved as the gown disappeared and she was just in her usual cargo pants and vest. "Who should we go annoy then?"

Ethan nodded. "I do want to talk. After what happened yesterday, it seems like a good idea to talk to you, since we're both here on this ship, and that sort of thing could easily happen again." He was obviously battling down his own fear as he spoke, but he refused to give in to it, and he seemed to be succeeding too, for now.

Kay nodded grimly. [I'm so sorry Ethan, i'm not myself around the full moon and...] He struggled for the words. [Ordinarily i'd lock myself away and avoid everyone, I didn't get that luxury yesterday. ] He looked ashamed and pained, remembering how he'd nearly attacked Thalia months ago as well. For a big ship, sometimes Vestia felt really really claustrophobic.

"I know," Ethan said. "I've read about what lycanthropy does to the Infected near the full moon, and I know you were out in the capital to check on your brother, which is a perfectly rational reason to expose yourself to the moon's influence. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, as were you." He looked into those creepy, demonic eyes, and smiled more oddly than usual. "Well at least I learned one good thing from that experience. Whatever the hell you are, I know you aren't Kaylr."

Kay flinched, rubbing his burned hand and shaking his head. [I hope not.]

"If you were Kaylr, you would've been too busy laughing your ass off, to even remember you were angry about something," Ethan said. "But you didn't think it was entertaining. You didn't like that encounter any more than I did."

Kay shook his head. [I don't take pleasure in people fearing me. Or in hurting others. ] He looked pained. [But i'll be honest with you, there are times I fear maybe there's a chance I could become that... thing. It's a terrifying thought. Much as I would like to believe i'm nothing like him, that our mirror counterparts are something we can never be, there's still that unease of seeing someone who is, for all intents and purposes, YOU, acting in a manner you find so abhorrent and horrifying. What if all it takes is the right trigger?] He shuddered. [I'm sorry, this probably isn't helping.] He bit his lip, staring down at his tablet.

Ethan hunched his shoulders a bit and focused on the contents on his desk for a few long seconds, trying to force his fear down. Kay was right, that... Really wasn't helping. He looked up at Kay again once he'd gotten all the what-if's to stop racing through his brain.
"And if you become him, we lock you away or we shoot you. But for now, you're not. Look, I've broken people's arms before, and held them down for Kaylr's scalpel while they screamed and prayed to the gods who had forsaken them, and I enjoyed it." He looked ashamed. The longer he was out here, the more unpleasant it was too remember how pleased he had been to hurt people. "I know that anyone can be driven to feel anything, if they're given the right push. But I'm not going to live my life assuming that you'll get the right push to turn you into a batshit insane sadomasochist, because that's a fucking waste of mental energy and I'm sick of being scared of everything. You can worry if you want. You're a free individual."

Kay nodded slowly. [I don't believe you really enjoyed hurting people Ethan, just that... it gave you some element of control over a situation you really had no power in. Being trapped like that can turn anyone into a monster.] He remembered all too well how rapidly Matt could turn when he felt caged, and how Asher rationalized his actions when committing horrible things. [If I do become him, I want you to fulfill that promise. Asher already has strict instructions to shoot me in the head if I become a threat to the crew and I trust him to do it. ] He'd shot him before after all. He shook his head. [I don't ever want to be that man, I would sooner die.] He lowered his head. [I don't want you to be scared of me, but I fully understand it. I also want you to know that I don't fear you. Not because I think you're weak, on the contrary, i'm well aware you could snap my neck if you wanted to. But you've given me no reason not to trust you, since being freed you've tried very hard to be a decent person and I respect that.] Of course, he also saw a lot of Asher in Ethan, and deep down he genuinely did believe Asher was a good person despite his flaws. Problem was, if he believed that both Asher and Ethan were inherently good, did that mean he was deep down a monster like his duplicate? It was an unsettling thought.

Ethan shrugged. "Doesn't matter why I enjoyed hurting people, the fact is that there were a few years when I did enjoy hurting them. Doctor Heinz always said Kaylr was the way he was because of what the slavers did to him when they caught him, and how it broke his mind, but does that justify what he did and how he felt, really? No, it doesn't excuse any of that at all."
He nodded at Kay's request. If Kay ever came at him with a scalpel or a blowtorch or... something... he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop himself anyway.
"I'm trying to not be scared of you, and as far as logic is concerned, I'm not scared of you much at all." Ethan's expression turned wry, "Obviously it's hard to break years of conditioning, so it's not as simple as just applying logic to the situation. You can't just make the instincts go away like that, no matter how nice it would be. But I have no plans to hurt you, because I don't really want to hurt people any more, and there's no reason to hurt you anyway." He was actually starting to calm down now, it was easier to think of Kay as a separate person from Kaylr when the guy was writing out a perfectly civil conversation on a tablet screen. You could get used to the demon eyes, sort of.

Kay nodded. [I understand, just know that I don't blame you for it. ] He managed a weak smile. He was scared of his own brother after all, well, honestly he was afraid of both Esk AND Matt, they were scary people. But he still trusted them. It was weird.

"Fair enough," Ethan said. He looked thoughtfully at Kay, what a bizarrely understanding person he was, huh. "Oh, and just so we're clear, I'm not planning to go out of my way to avoid you, and I'm not going to ask you to avoid me. And the library's a public space, so you can use it."

Kay hesitated. [Are you sure? ] Well he wasn't a big one for facing your own demons, he just hid from them... which was probably why he was such a huge ball of angst and crazy. Oops.

"Yes, I'm sure." Ethan shrugged again. "We live on the same ship, we're going to end up running into each other sometimes, no matter how hard we try to hide. Most of the time I don't have that much trouble being near you anyway, you don't give me panic attacks just by existing or something." He added, "Besides, from what I've been told, avoidance is a shit way to deal with trauma in general." Not that he'd ever really been able to avoid the things that scared him, anyway. No need to start trying it now.

Kay smiled softly, nodding. [Alright.]

"I think that covers everything I wanted to say," Ethan said. "Anything else you want to mention while we're here?" Might as well ask, it wasn't like they talked all that often.

Kay paused, considering that. Then he shook his head. [Take care Ethan, and thank you.] He smiled weakly.

Ethan smiled his odd smile back. "Thanks for stopping by."

Kay nodded again. He didn't know what else to say, so he just waved, turned and left Ethan to his books.

Ethan we relaxed as Kay left. Well that had gone reasonably well. No panic attacks, attempts to murder reach other, or any other really bad things had happened. Whew.
He settled himself back into his chair and opened a book to read, but his mind wandered back to the topic of Kay instead. Such a strange little man, so hard to trust, but at the same time, he seemed to be a pretty okay person too. It was all very confusing, but... Not entirely in a bad way.
Actually, that was kind of the way this whole universe was, wasn't it? Confusing, but not entirely bad. Hmm.

~~
Asher was sitting with Danika and trying to be reassuring for her as she waited for Kay's return, and trying to not imagine all the things an android who had worked for a torturer could do to an organic who reminded him so strongly of the person he hated. This was so stressful.

Kay returned to the medlab, thinking over what Ethan had said. It was admirable, he thought, to want to fight that fear. Maybe one day he wouldn't flinch when Kay looked at him, but Kay wasn't overly optimistic.

Asher looked up when Kay came in, obviously relieved to see his boyfriend alive and not bleeding. He knew odds had been good that Kay would be fine, but still, waiting and wondering had been really stressful. "Did it go okay?" He asked.

Danika chirped happily at the sight of Kay, though she had been happy enough to be with Asher.

Kay smiled to Danika and Asher and nodded. [He just wanted to have a chat, it's fine.] He looked reassuring.

"Oh good, that's a relief." Asher smiled softly. He brought Danika over so she could greet Kay. He could hardly imagine his duplicate just chatting with Kay, but hey, he supposed it wasn't his business as long as everyone was safe.

Danika grinned and reached out to Kay,wanting to be held by him again.

Kay put his hand out for Danika to climb up his arm if she wanted.
He nodded to Asher. [Don't fret, everything is alright. ] He didn't look totally like he believed that. His glance drifted to the medical fridge where the vaccines were stored. He shook his head.

Asher frowned at Kay's words and his glance toward the fridge, but then nodded. "I'll try not to, then. We're just glad to have you back."