Upon Vestia: Chapter Twenty-Three

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"You have a tablet at least, right?" Asher asked Dawn.

James held up the form. "He signed it. He says if he dies, he wants us to fight for his stuff."

Kay frowned, taking the form and checking it over. [Well at least he's still making inappropriate jokes.]

"Still his cheery old self," James agreed. He smiled a bit, "Well at least this surgery is gonna happen, that'll be good for his spirits."

Kay bit his lip. [I hope so.] He looked anxious, he was genuinely worried about his brother and scared about this surgery. He couldn't help it. [Did Dawn stay with him?]

"No, I think she thought Esk didn't want her around, so she left too." James shook his head, "I tried to subtly get her to stay, but I dunno, I think Esk wants to avoid everyone or something, and Dawn doesn't want to push him."

Kay's frown deepened. [Usually she's the person he tolerates best. ] He shook his head. [Maybe she's finally gotten tired of dealing with his crap.] yeah he didn't have that much confidence in Esk's ability not to alienate people.

"Maybe." James shook his head. "Do injured people always get this weird? Between my brother and your brother, it's like all the injured people around here are antisocial balls of angst."

Kay shrugged. [Different people react to sudden limitations in different ways but... yes. A lot of people do get depressed or angry. It's a grieving process, in a way, having to come to terms with suddenly not being able to do something you took for granted, like walking.] He smiled softly. [Matt's pretending he's fine, that's another way people deal, by pretending everything's okay. Asher's trying that approach too, but he's a terrible actor. There is also an element of guilt involved, that you're upset about being hurt when it could be worse and other people are dead. ] He shook his head. [I worked in a military hospital for years, and even though we got lectures about this sort of thing and even though we experienced all the different facets of people coming to terms with it, it never gets any easier and I still don't really know how to help. ] He looked glum. [I hate feeling this powerless to help the people I love. Realistically though? there isn't much more I can do. I'm not a psychiatrist and I never got on very well with therapy myself, so i'm probably the absolute worst person to talk about problems with. ] He looked thoughtful, they really did need a psychiatrist on board. Problem was, most of hte people here either wouldn't talk, or would drive the poor therapist to drink.. or worse.

James sighed. "It stinks to watch them struggling and not know how to help. Matt has Ellie as his personal companion Terran, so I guess I haven't been worrying about him as much, but even he has moments when I notice he's not okay. And then there's Esk trying to scare everyone off even more than usual, and Asher going into his I'm-fine-seriously mode, and we're just sitting here watching them struggle. I tried checking around the city for a therapist, but they're all booked or they never came back after the evacuation." He looked frustrated. "I wanna help them, but it looks like we just have to wait for them to get better, while they all feel crappy and useless."

[Esk never did well with therapists either. Apparently we got the same one doing our psyche reports when we were conscripted, probably traumatized the poor woman for life.] Kay shook his head, joking about it didn't help, nope. He exhaled deeply. [Matt projects his thoughts so loudly, even when he's pretending he's okay, he can't fool me. He knows that. Esk though... the moment he realizes i'm skimming his surface thoughts he retaliates. And I know I shouldn't, but when you're worried about someone, it's a difficult instinct to suppress.] He looked guilty. [I don't think he'll talk to anyone about his problems any time soon. There's just too much baggage to sort through.] He lowered his head. [At least he has you and Dawn looking out for him. I am... extremely relieved and grateful to know he has people that everyone else would consider friends. If he wants to talk he'll talk. As for Asher, he likes to keep busy. I understand that need to distract your mind. But I believe the sooner we can get a hold of that part, the better. I'm worried about him, but I know if I tell him i'm worried he'll think he's a burden and try to pretend to be okay even harder. Asher is, when he wants to be, very good at outwardly detaching. ] He hesitated, should he really talk about this with James? on one hand James knew his brother better than anyone, on the other, it felt like a violation of Asher's privacy to talk about him like this. He looked conflicted.

"I'm guessing Matt wouldn't want to talk to a therapist either?" James said, "He seems to like keeping his worries to himself. Although maybe he'd find it easier to talk to a stranger, I dunno. And yeah, you can trust me and Dawn to look after Esk. If he lets us."
He nodded, "Asher hates causing anyone inconvenience. He's going to keep working and faking smiles, right up until he gets repaired or snaps. The good news is, he doesn't snap easily. The bad news is, I don't think he's going to believe he's not a burden on us, until he's fixed up. I love him, but he's an idiot."

Kay nodded, smiling a little at the idiot comment. He was genuinely concerned though, and the smile faltered and faded. [I hope you're right. I worry that it's only a matter of time before things get too much for him and he retreats into himself. I worry he won't come back. ] He shuddered, Asher at his worst, when he fully detatched was scary.

James frowned at Kay's concerns, and nodded. Yeah, Asher's coping techniques could be a little creepy. Besides, Kay had gotten shot by the guy, of course he was worrying. "If you're worried he's gonna start shooting people again, I don't think he will," James said. "From what little he's told me, the only reason he did that in the first place was because he thought that was the only way to protect you and the others from a life of torture and slavery. Short of that, he wouldn't do something like that again. He's fucked up, but he's not a monster."
He sighed, "If you're worrying about him just... giving up... I don't know. I'm not sure how much he's told you about his life, but there was something that happened while he was in the mail service, and afterwards he had depression for a long time. He recovered eventually, I'm pretty sure thanks to you guys. It sure wasn't me or Lark who helped him, we completely screwed up our chance to do that.
"Anyway. What I'm trying to say is, he's not alone this time, and that might help him a lot. When he does his robot freeing thing, I don't know what's going to happen, but until then, I think he'll be okay. Relatively okay." James looked glum. The idea of what freeing his people might do to Asher was so, so depressing, and he hated that his brother had gone through so much already.

Kay tensed, James' words didn't help, if anything they made it worse. He shook his head vigorously. [I trust him James, completely.] He looked angry, then horrified at the thought and went to sit down, rubbing the bridge of his nose and trying not to give in to the indignant 'how dare you assume I think that he'd shoot anyone' feeling that welled up inside him.
He took a deep breath. [I'm terrified i'll do or say the wrong thing and lose him completely. I don't know how to help him, or even if he wants help. If I do nothing because I think he needs space and independence there's the fear he'll think I don't care, but if I keep asking him how he is i'll smother him. There's no good way to find a balance, or figure out exactly how much is too much or too little and I don't know what to do. He's already had to endure so much awful and hardship and things really aren't likely to improve any time soon.] And besides which, the two of them were as overwhelmed as each other, both teetering on the edge and trying to stop one another from falling. Kay knew full well that he was barely holding things together himself, it wasn't a case of if, more when one or both of them would finally snap. He was still trying to believe Asher was inherently good though, that the ruthlessness he'd seen several times was just a stress reaction, wasn't the real Asher. He was probably delusional, but that delusion helped him carry on.
[Do you really think i'd have given him my gun if I thought he was a monster?]

James winced. "Sorry, man. That was crappy of me to assume that, after you've been trying so hard to help Asher. I guess you would already know all that if you're still here for him after... That."
"Yeah, I'm really not sure what to do either. Well, asking how he's doing doesn't really work, me and Lark found that out the hard way. Just spend time with him, maybe. You don't have to say anything probably--wrong word choice there, sorry--he doesn't mind just hanging out and not having a conversation. Usually." James sighed. Ugh, Asher was so complicated.

Kay nodded, smiling softly at James as he corrected himself. [Don't worry about the not speaking thing, i'm used to it. ] Heck, even he used speak and talk when technically he could do neither. It was just damn easier.
He exhaled deeply, fidgeting with his tablet.
This was awkward, he'd already admitted far more than he really was entirely comfortable talking about with James.
[I should file these forms and go chase up the surgical team. Get everything booked in.] Yes, keep busy.

James smiled a bit, relieved that Kay wasn't mad about his word choice. "Whew. It's hard to know how someone's going to react to a slip up like that."
He nodded. "Right, sounds good. Need me to do anything else?"

Kay tilted his head. [I've had a great many years to get used to my disability, and endure people stumbling over how to react. It's somewhat more irritating to have people tiptoe around it and panic about semantics than to just face it head on. Don't worry about it James.] he tentatively reached out to pat James on the shoulder reassuringly. He shook his head. [Unless you particularly want to babysit either of my brothers, I don't think much else needs to be done. Don't touch the tax forms.]

James nodded. That made sense. Kay had to be pretty used to people being uncertain about his muteness by now.
He smiled a bit, "I think if I try to babysit Esk, he'll find a fork and stab me with it. Maybe I'll visit Matt though, he's not so hostile. And don't you worry, I wouldn't dream of touching the tax forms. I may be hot headed, but I'm not a complete fool."

Kay nodded. [Good.] He collected up the forms and paperwork and headed out.

James would go check on Matt. Hey, had to make sure he and Ellie weren't doing anything dumb, right? No offense to either of them, but they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer.

~~
Orel thought he should go visit Skye, so he went to look around for her. Vestia let him on the ship without question, she basically considered him to be an honorary passenger now.

Matt and Ellie were probably still examining the puzzle.
---

Kay went into town to talk to the surgical team, file all this paperwork and get everything organised for Esk.

Ellie was still trying to find something inappropriate in the picture. Five hundred pieces! No way could it be kid friendly.

James looked in at the two. "Hey guys! Neither of you have had heart failure or something since last time I checked, right?"

Skye was tending to the animals on the 'ranch' for the moment, making sure they had enough water and food and were happy enough.

Orel located Skye with a little help from Vestia and walked into the ranch room. "This place really is impressive," he said, so Skye would know he was here.

Skye looked up then smiled at him "Yeah, Dawn helped make it so we wouldn't have to stop so often." She said, coming over to him "She had a lot pf plans to make it even better."

"She did a great job." Orel smiled as Skye came over. "What sort of plans was she thinking of next, do you know?"