Upon Vestia: Chapter Nine

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Thaila winced, "I...uhm dont remember much but that maaay of been me." He said sheepishly, "Sorry.."

Marcus would quickly drain the other two enjoying having a full meal again.

Asher was watching for any sign of murderous slavers who might try and hurt Kay. He didn't trust them, even now that they seemed to be listening to reason. They were horrible, and he couldn't wait to get to that planet and be rid of them.

Kay nodded to Marcus and extended a hand to take the empty bags, he'd then leave with the bucket and mop and lock them in again.

Asher looked at Kay as he headed for the door, trying to decide whether to follow and apologize, or wait for later.
Kay looked pretty un-talkative right now. Plus the bucket of water looked ominous to Asher, whose skin had accumulated quite a bit of damage over the years, and was now somewhat water-permeable.

He decided to wait.

Kay just rolled his eyes at Asher, fully aware he was lingering as he went to tidy up and get rid of the contaminated water etc.
Hopefully nothing else would need cleaning, he decided he was rather glad Matt did most of the mopping because it was tedious work.

Once he was done cleaning up, he headed back to the medical room.

Asher gave Kay an apologetic look, then hurried off as soon as he concluded he didn't want his help. Nope, definitely not a good time to apologize. Wait until Kay didn't have a water bucket handy, and had maybe gotten some rest.
It was a healthier plan for both of them, not just cowardice. Probably.

Well Kay had to admit, it was rather nice to have some peace and quiet. Short lived as it may be. Frustrating as that whole experience was, it had provided a pretty useful distraction. He didn't feel quite so ready to beat his head against the wall repeatedly.
Still, it would be good to be rid of those slavers. He idly wondered what the plan for them was. Were they going to be handed over to authorities? He hoped so, they needed to face justice. Just letting them free didn't really sit too well with him, what would stop them just coming after them again?

Another thought gripped him. that whole crew knew what he was. He closed his eyes, in the wrong hands that information could be extremely damaging. But what could he do? Just keep running and hope it never caught up with him? Well, running had served him well thus far.

He decided to organize their blood supply, picking out the less useful stuff to feed to the blood sucker downstairs. He really hoped they wouldn't need this stuff soon.

After a few hours, Asher would decide to go find Kay and try to apologize. He asked Vestia where Kay was, and followed her directions to get there.

Kay had gone to find some peace and quiet on one of the much less used floors. There were empty shops down here and he'd found a nice spot in one of the never even once opened cafes. He was sitting by a window, looking out at the stars. He turned as Asher came in, tilting his head.

Asher walked over to join Kay. "I think I owe you a pretty big apology," he said softly.

Kay indicated he should sit down and took out his tablet to write. [That conversation had to happen. ] He looked grim. [uncomfortable though it may have been, it was necessary.]

Asher nodded slightly in agreement, sitting down. "It was important, but I could have let the subject drop much sooner, and approached it much better in the first place. I know dehumanization is awful, and I shouldn't have let myself do that to you."

Kay nodded awkwardly. [Honestly I don't think there's an unawful way to approach it. ] He looked miserable. This whole experiment thing really wasn't pleasant to think about. But that wasn't really why he was upset anyway. He tried to think of how to explain all this to Asher, why everything was still so awkward, why his words back in the medical room had struck such a nerve.

"I also should have probably not brought up the subject of firearms," Asher added, looking at the table uncomfortably. "That... really isn't a topic I should ever be discussing, especially not so soon after what happened while the Family had us."

Kay flinched, taking a deep breath.

[Asher, we really need to discuss this. Properly. ] He'd had the time to try to gather his thoughts, though he still wasn't sure it was going to make any sense.

Asher hesitated, then nodded. "I think that might be wise."

Kay nodded, indicating to wait while he typed because this was going to take a while.

[When I first told you about my condition I asked you to promise me something, and i'm sure you remember. That still stands, only now I know for a fact you'll be able to do it.
On one hand that should be reassuring, a comfort even, but on the other, knowing you won't even flinch, it hurts me. Hearing you say you'll do “anything it takes” hurts more than anything, and I know it's selfish but it hurts because it means that i'm not important enough to you. And the rational part of me knows that's utterly unreasonable, and that you're a better person than me be because you're willing to set aside sentiment and selfish desire and wants for the greater good. But then this nagging feeling eats away at me, wondering if the feelings you claim to have for me are as genuine as you'd like me to believe.

I know I can trust you to set your feelings for me aside if the need arises, but at the same time, I really wish you wouldn't, I wish I meant more than that. And I feel so guilty for it. Why should I be more important than anyone else on this ship? You're completely right, the needs of the many are so much more worthy than my own life. But I think I would have been happier not knowing how far you were willing to go. I think i'd have felt better not hearing those words.

I'm not asking you to do anything different, my request still stands. If I get out, shoot me in the head.
It isn't worth the risk trying to restrain me.
And I know you'll do it, I know you'll always do it. And I wish I could feel okay about that, I really do. I wish I wasn't so self centered as to even entertain the idea that you might find another way, you might hesitate, you might refuse. Because you shouldn't. They matter more. I'm just one person, one tiny insignificant person. ]
He chewed his lip, wiping his eyes on his sleeve as he tried not to cry.

[Asher. I trust you. I always have and I always will. Because I know you're better than I will ever be. Because I know you will do what has to be done. Even though it hurts me, even though it will hurt you, I trust you to make the right decision. You are the only person on this ship I know WILL stop me if the need arises, the only one who won't hesitate or flinch or allow themselves a moment to reconsider. You'll do everything you can to keep everyone else safe, because that's the sort of person you are.

The hurt it brings me? That's not your fault Asher. I'm just not able to be as selfless. I know if roles were reversed, I couldn't hurt you. Why? Because I cannot stand the thought of losing you, and my own self centered wants would put every single person on board at risk. I would let myself hesitate and people would get hurt. And that makes me a truly terrible person. All to save myself the pain of being responsible for another person I love's death. And that Asher is why I can't really be angry with you. Because everything you do you do for others. Everything you stand for is the greater good.

I understand why you did what you did back there in those cells, what other choice did you have? I'll save the anger for them, not you. ]

He passed the tablet over so Asher could read what he'd written.

Asher read Kay's words, the crushing weight of just how much harm he had done--how much harm he was still doing--resting more heavily on his conscience with each sentence he read. There was no way to take back what he had said and done; it was firmly imprinted in their memories, and even if the memories could be taken back, the truth remained that he would still do whatever was necessary to protect the needs of many over those of a single person, even if that single person was someone incredibly close to him.

"Kay," he said softly, "I'm so, so sorry."

He looked down at the table's surface, taking in the wood grain of the table top because meeting Kay's eyes would hurt too much. “What I did when we were with the Family, it was awful. They found the most horrible part of who I am, and they used it in the cruellest way they could. In hindsight it’s obvious that they were manipulating me, and I regret that I allowed them to do that because the results hurt us both so much, and it was utterly pointless anyway. But at the same time, all of us living out here in this brutal universe, I’m sure the truth about me would have come out in some other way before long, and then we would still be in this same horrible situation.

“I want to really be the person you fell in love with. A true pacifist, who would never raise a weapon to harm anyone. Someone who would calculate the odds in the situation the Family put us in, and conclude that hurting you was indisputably the wrong choice. Someone you could trust to hesitate if he was somehow put in a situation where he had to shoot someone he loved. Because I’m a computer, and my thoughts are all code, I could even do it.”

He shook his head. “But of course, that wouldn’t solve this. Fixing my brain with a few lines of code might turn me into the person we both wish I was, but that person wouldn’t be me any more. When the raiders next come barging through our doors, intent on hurting us all, I want to be able to shoot them without hesitation. If, heaven forbid, Vestia’s cell doors somehow failed,” Asher paused, “well, it’s like you said. I never want to hurt you, I never want to lose you, but I need to be myself because someday I might be the only defense this ship has.”

“I love you, Kay,” he added quietly. “My priorities are screwed up, and I’m an unsalvageable mess by most living beings standards, but I can say without a doubt that even if I’m terrible at showing it, I really do love you. And maybe that means we should officially end this relationship, before I can hurt you any more.”

Kay watched him silently, tears welling in his eyes as Asher continued. He reached out and patted his hand reassuringly before typing.

[When we first started this relationship we both asked one another if we wanted to take the risk. It's worth asking again. ] This was a strange place to be, sitting here with Asher scared of the inevitable hurt. Kay was used to being the one of that side. Maybe they were both terrible for one another, maybe all this was a bad idea, but at the same time the idea of calling it a day and giving up was even more painful.

[I was wrong when we got away from The Family, you aren't a different person now, you're the same sweet, kind man you've always been. Endlessly patient and understanding and restrained. Always, always thinking of everyone else.
I don't deserve you, but i'm so grateful that you still stand beside me, despite everything. But Asher, I want you to promise me something alright? I want you to just every now and again, think about yourself. Just yourself and what you want and what you need. Indulge it, just occasionally, or you're going to lose your mind.

And know that despite everything, I still love you. With all my heart, I love you. And I trust you.] He unclipped the gun from his belt and placed it carefully in the center of the table. [If everything goes wrong, you'll need a weapon, something stronger than a stun gun.]

Asher looked at Kay for several long seconds. Kay thought he didn't deserve him? Asher was fairly sure that it was the other way around. Kay wasn't the one who shot people, he was the one who was frighteningly forgiving when people shot him. That made him, at least by Asher's definition of 'better', the better person by far.
"I promise that I'll try to think about myself sometimes. Ignoring the existence of my own opinions and problems for so long was a terrible idea, and falling back into that habit would only cause grief." He added softly, "I'm going to try and fix myself, but who knows if I'll ever succeed. I'm not sure you should be so willing to trust me, after what I did."
He looked down at the gun, unsure whether he dared take it.

Kay tilted his head. [Asher, I know you'll only hurt me if you think the sacrifice is worthwhile. I'm fairly certain you're not about to shoot me here and now. If I feared that, I wouldn't be here, alone with you so far from any other crew members. ] It was true, they were several floors away from anyone else. They wouldn't be able to get down here that quick if they needed to. [There are people on this ship who have done far worse and been forgiven. Besides, I don't want to let The Family take away the one damn good thing i've had in nearly a decade. ] His eyes narrowed.

Kay raised a valid point, and after a few more seconds' contemplation, Asher carefully--so, so carefully--took the gun and clipped it in its holster to his own belt. "Thank you," he said simply.

Kay nodded, smiling a little forcedly. [I'm going to do all I can to make sure you never have the use that weapon. ]

"Yes, I think that should be a high priority," Asher agreed a bit uncomfortably.

Kay shrugged. [I've managed to avoid any mass homicides thus far.] And 14 years was rather a long time to get used to locking yourself up. [And our house didn't have nearly such strong doors.] He was trying very hard to make light of all this, and reassure himself it would all be fine. [It will be alright. Just like on Avia. ] He tried to look reassuring. He wonder how Starr would react to his other half, would she take it as well as Asher had?

Asher nodded. "It'll be fine. We would most likely have plenty of warning if the cell door couldn't hold, and Vestia could lower the partition doors to slow you down." He thought for a moment, "I wonder, if she were to fly east, would that count as the moon setting, and make you change back sooner?"
Yeah, he was only going to shoot once nonviolent options had been exhausted.

Kay considered that [You know, I don't know. It would probably be faster to leave orbit but, i've never tested any of these things. ] And he really didn't much want to, that level of experimentation was a step too far. He was however thankful for the change of subject away from shooting him. It was progress. [Vestia assures me her partition doors should hold, and she has a lot of them. If she can seal the area, it's unlikely I could get out. ] He looked at Asher oddly. [It's still very strange to be able to discuss this so openly. ]