Upon Vestia: Chapter Twelve

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"Yep, all alone on a desert planet with a weird bird." Ellie scowled, "False gods. So gross. I hope all immortals die soon." She paused, "Umm, well, I hope the immortals I like stick around for a while longer though."

Kooshie wrote:Ellie's expression softened. "Okay, that's good. I just don't want you dead or captured or something, that's no fun."

"We were put in jail." Shane said

"Well, don't do that," Ellie said. "It's not good for your criminal record." She smiled, "Wanna see my new trick I can do? I've been testing it since a bit after we left the beach planet, and it's kinda cool. You gotta promise to not tell anyone though."

"No, it's fine." Merith aid, smiling, "A lot has been on my mind lately, is all. So, you and your crew mates are here now? Why the decision to joining the number one ship on a list of wanted people?"

Kooshie wrote:"Well, don't do that," Ellie said. "It's not good for your criminal record." She smiled, "Wanna see my new trick I can do? I've been testing it since a bit after we left the beach planet, and it's kinda cool. You gotta promise to not tell anyone though."

"New trick?" Shane asked curiously. He was very interested in whatever it was.

James laughed, shaking his head. "So many shoddy reasons. I want to spend time with my brother, the others want to vacation on a cruise ship, we're all a bit scared to stay at the space station too long, and one of our guys is getting hired to change Vestia's ID. We decided we might as well just tag along with you guys for a while."

~~
Ellie lead Shane over to the try of seedlings, and picked up a sunflower seed that had barely started to sprout yet. She closed her eyes tightly in concentration. Slowly, so slowly, the seed split open and the beginnings of leaves poked out.
After maybe thirty seconds, Ellie opened her eyes and looked down at the little seedling proudly. She wiped some sweat from her forehead and tried to catch her breath. "Cool trick, huh?"

"Wow" Shane said, looking at the seedling then back to her "That's magic Ellie"

Ellie nodded. "Guess this is why the plants like me, huh?" She petted one of the seedlings with one finger. "Cuties."

Kooshie wrote:Ellie nodded. "Guess this is why the plants like me, huh?" She petted one of the seedlings with one finger. "Cuties."

Shane nodded and looked at Ellie then grinned "It means you are more than just a Terran too."

Ellie snickered. "Human mom, human dad, human genes. I just happen to be an unusually badass specimen."

Kooshie wrote:Ellie snickered. "Human mom, human dad, human genes. I just happen to be an unusually badass specimen."

Shane shook his head then shrugged "Maybe" He said then hugged her "It's great either way"

"Oooh yes," Ellie agreed. "But don't tell anyone yet, okay? I'm still getting used to this. It's kinda nutty, you know?"

Kooshie wrote:"Oooh yes," Ellie agreed. "But don't tell anyone yet, okay? I'm still getting used to this. It's kinda nutty, you know?"

Shane nodded and smiled "Yeah, I can not tell anyone yet." He said then looked to the plants again "It explains why you are so good with all of them though."

"Thanks." Ellie sighed happily, "My parents are gonna freak when I tell them."

Kay chewed his lip thoughtfully. My sister is not an inherently bad person, but she is fiercely loyal to the Empire, i'm not entirely certain you can trust her on your own. If she learns what you are... I wouldn't want you in any harm. He shook his head. We can consider our options after we've dealt with the guild. In the meantime, please, make sure you're eating and drinking and don't let yourself become too absorbed in this, i don't want you making yourself ill trying to cure me.

--

Matt could barely look at Third. "Just.. please don't hurt anyone okay? My brothers have both gone through enough pain. " He let Third leave, cradling his head in his hands as he tried very very hard to push all this guilt and sadness and hurt away, get his defenses back up, wade his way out of this flood of negative emotion. He felt like he was drowning.

---

Luka nodded to Skye. "It was nice to meet you." She really wanted to go back to exploring this place. "I hope you find somewhere safe for the children."

"You have my word." Third told Matt, nodding, but his hardened and angered gaze gave away that he was holding back a fierce and vengeful temper. He left Matt to his own devices.

~~~~~~

Merith chuckled, "Well, that seems about right. I think you'd all like our next destination. It is truly a grand place and full of things that you've most likely never seen before, or anywhere else. They take great pride in preserving lost world things. Flora and some salvaged fauna, if they haven't got an encyclopedia entry on it."

Shane smiled a little at that and nodded then frowned a little "Are your parents a part of that humanists group?" He asked carefully.

~~~
Starr nodded and glanced to the table then looked to Kay again "I do let myself get caught up in new things sometimes, but with the blood here, I know I have to be extra careful. I do not want any accidents any more than you do." She said gently.

~~~
Skye nodded then smiled again "We have a safe place, we are heading there to make sure all the kids will stay safe even with the name change for Vestia. These kids have already been through enough in their life."

Kay nodded. take care Starr, and thank you. The fact you are even attempting this means a great deal to me. I appreciate it even if he didn't really believe it was a realistic goal. I'll leave you to it, but i'll be back this evening to make sure you've eaten dinner. Medical duty and all of that, you understand. He smiled softly.

"I've always been fascinated by unusual species," James said. "I look forward to seeing this place."

~~
"Yeah," said Ellie. "The planet where I grew up was colonized by humanists. 99.7% of the population was human. My parents may be a bit confused about why I'm a mutant." She grinned.

~~
"Good. Children must be protected, and not underfoot," said Tala to Skye.

Luka snorted at Tala's words. "Yeah, definitely don't step on the children, that'd be bad for them. "

"It is an old place." Vanessa said, nodding. "But something I am sure you all will thoroughly enjoy. I am actually... quite happy you all will get to visit them."

Kay left Starr and headed back toward the medlab, pausing as he passed a half ajar door and saw Matt.
What the?
He didn't look happy.

Worried, Kay pushed the door open and approached.

Matt? Kay tentatively moved to his brother's side, reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder.

Matt looked up, wiping the tears from his face. “Hey.. “ He spoke weakly.

What's happened? Kay looked worried.

“Oh just.. reliving our past you know.. sinking into that old pit of... awfulness.” Matt sniffed, shuddering a little.

Kay looked confused, it wasn't at all like Matt to wallow in the past like this, or to even really think about it at all. What brought all this on?

“I spoke to Stellan.. Esk.. “ He shook his head. “It's gonna take a while to get used to calling him that. Anyway, I spoke to him and... Kay, we're terrible brothers. You know that right? We were so cruel to him.”

We weren't cruel Matt, never actively cruel. Kay frowned. Stellan has a lot of resentment and a lot of anger in him, he'll say anything to lash out and hurt someone.

“no Kay, he's right. Sure we weren't actively mean to him, but we ignored him, we isolated him, we let ourselves fear him.”

You know what he can do! Of course we were scared, that's normal.

“We should have tried harder to help him. He.. he deserved that. We were too concerned about ourselves to ever think about how it was affecting him.”

Kay lowered his head. Their youngest brother really had managed to get under Matt's skin, but Matt had a point. Being all alone all those years can't have been good for Stellan's psyche.
He exhaled deeply. Matt... we can't turn back the clock.

“I know. And it sucks.” Matt sobbed.

Kay patted his shoulder awkwardly, he wasn't very good at comforting people. Honestly he didn't really know what to do here, Matt was always the one who made you feel better, not the one who needed comforting.
What did he say? he asked at last, unsure he really wanted to know if it had upset Matt this much.

Matt closed his eyes. “He blames you for everything, and it's not fair Kay. I told him it wasn't fair. Your mother.. I know she tried, and I know in my heart that she was not a bad person. But.. the way she isolated him, how she'd flinch when he got too close... that's going to fuck you up. And I don't believe she did it out of cruelty, or out of malice, she was scared like we were, she was scared and she was young and she was already so broken herself.. she had no idea how to deal with it. “

Kay winced, he'd idolized his mother. She was so strong in his eyes, she was a survivor. She'd raised 5 children on her own in the middle of nowhere, she kept the house running like clockwork, she was strict and she was stern but she was strong, she was efficient, she was a damn hard worker and she gave her all into keeping those kids alive and safe.
He knew she wasn't cruel, she couldn't be cruel. A cruel person wouldn't have sacrificed so much to keep their wards safe. He frightened her.

Matt shook his head. “But he was her son, no matter how scary his power, he was only a child and he needed support and love and help. Instead he got hate and fear and isolation. No wonder he's so messed up, he grew up thinking he was a monster.”

He's not a monster. Kay looked stern.

“I know he's not, I know. But we should have been better brothers to him.”

We were only children ourselves Matt. All of us just wanted to survive, to see the next sunrise. If we got too close, he'd kill us. He wouldn't mean to, but he'd kill us. What were we supposed to do?

“Find solutions!” Matt snapped. “HELP him. Just talk to him. For goodness sake, we never did any of that.”

Wallowing in the past, fixating on your mistakes doesn't change anything. The mistakes are still there, the damage is still done. You can't take it back, no matter how much you want to. Kay set his jaw, he wasn't going to let himself cry damnit. There is SO much I would change in my life if I could, so many mistakes, so many awful mistakes but if I let myself stay in the past, i'll never be able to move on. I know what it's like to have this crushing guilt, Matt, you have no idea how many people i've hurt in my life, how many wrongs i've committed. But we can't keep running and we can't sit and mope about it. Our brother is here with us now, instead of wishing we could have been better then, let's be better now. I know he hates me, and honestly I deserve it, but that doesn't mean i'm giving up on him and neither should you. Mother used to say there is nothing so broken that it cannot be repaired. The end result may not look pretty, it might not work quite how it used to, but everything can be fixed. It just takes a little time and ingenuity. While I don't think Stellan and I will ever have anything resembling a close relationship, at least I can show him I care about his well-being, at least I can make sure he's SAFE.

“I don't want him safe, I want him happy.” Matt sobbed.

I'm not sure that's an entirely realistic goal.

“and that's what's so unfair. “

I'm sorry.

“What are you apologizing to me for? You should apologize to him“

I don't believe anything I can say or do will heal the rift between my brother and I.

“what happened to everything can be fixed?” Matt scoffed.

Kay shrugged. He doesn't need to like me to know i'm looking out for him.

“You've always looked out for him Kay. I just.. I wish he could have seen that more. “

He'll be okay Matt. He's away from the empire, he's got friends. That crew care about him, I know they do. They're a better family to him than we ever were, and i'm glad he's found them. He deserves that chance.

“Third said the pain radiating off him is... immense. And knowing we played such a major role in harming him like that. I don't.. I don't know how to reconcile it.”

Kay nodded solemnly. Matt, you are a good person, a good brother. You are kind and you are selfless and you are caring. This isn't your fault.

“then why do I feel so bad?”

Because you have a good heart and you care about the people you love. Because he is your brother and you love him. Because it's in your nature to always want to make everything okay.

“what about you? Are you holding it together for my sake or what?” Matt stared at Kay, trying to get a read on him.

Kay looked away. If I let myself think about it, i'll collapse under the weight of it all. Hurting people I claim to care about is what I do best. I deserve every ounce of hate he has for me, every harsh word. I deserve all of it, because I am NOT a good person Matt. I know i'm not. I'm selfish, i'm petty, i'm bitchy and mean. I enjoy exerting authority over people, I like having control and I put my own wants ahead of everyone elses time and time again He shook his head. Stellan isn't a monster, I am.

“Kay.. what the hell are you on about? You.. you help people. You lecture us because you care not because you're just being a bitch. You're a medic for goodness sake, why would you become a medic if not to help people?”

to atone.

“atone for what Kay? You mother? That wasn't your fault!”

Kay lowered his head. Not just her. Stellan, Jess... Web, you. I've ruined so much for all of you. Gier.. who deserved so much better.

“who?” matt was confused.

Kay looked away. My first boyfriend Matt. I killed him. He got sick and he died a horrible slow painful death because of me. And I was too much of a coward to put him out of his misery, too self centered to stay with him till the end. I ran Matt, I ran before they could impose quarantine because I put myself first. So scared of them finding out about my illness, I abandoned someone I claimed to love when they needed me. And i'm still too much of a coward to tell the people on this ship what's wrong with me. I'm too scared. Stellan's right, I put everyone at risk here for my own selfish reasons. And I can't tell them, so he's going to have to. Now the tears came, flooding down his cheeks and he brought his hands up to cover his face.

Matt stared at Kay in silent horror, this explained... so much. Suddenly all of kay's safe sex lectures, his standoffish attitude around guys, his dislike of affection and his uncertainty about Asher, it all made sense. I can't hurt him, he'd said all those months ago. He's not real, I can't hurt him.

Matt pulled his brother into a hug.

“Kay.. you aren't a monster. You aren't.”

Kay just sobbed silently into Matt's shoulder as Matt too let the tears stream down his face.

“If you were as awful as you say you are, you wouldn't feel this guilty about it.” Matt reasoned softly. “If you were really a monster, you'd justify everything, no angst, no trauma, no tears... you wouldn't even acknowledge it was wrong. But you do, so you can't be all bad. You've made mistakes, you've done things you regret, we all have, but you have a good heart Kay. I've known you most of both of our lives, and know this Kay, you are NOT a bad person. You are a jerk yes, you're frustrating at times, but I know I can always count on you. I know you've got my back. Remember when you tried to stop Heny from going with the family? How badly you fucked yourself up out of grief thinking you'd failed her? Remember how hard you fought for all of us when the slavers attacked? Remember how viciously you defended Asher when we questioned his personhood, heck, you still defend him. Just like you defend Stellan when people call him crazy, just like you defend me. You really aren't as self-centered as you like to pretend you are and you sure as hell aren't as bitchy as you act.”

Kay looked up at Matt, sniffing a bit and wiping his eyes. Yet here I am forcing you to comfort me when you're the one who needed the support.

Matt chuckled weakly. “Actually, this is just what I needed. Taking care of everyone else is.. like my therapy man. You cope by working yourself half to death, I cope my making sure everyone else is okay. “ He shrugged. “We all do what we have to do to survive right?”

Kay pulled away, frowning. I'm not sure that's entirely healthy Matt.

“Neither is your thing, but hey, I won't criticize you if you don't criticize me.”

Kay nodded. I should get back to work.

“Yep, those supplies aren't gonna shelve themselves right? “ Matt smiled softly.

Thank you Matt.

Matt shrugged. “Listen, Kay... Do talk to Esk okay? Don't avoid him.”

Kay nodded. I will.

“Good man. I'll see you later.”

Are you sure you're alright?

Matt shook his head. “Not entirely, but it'll survive. Don't worry about me Kay, i've coped this long, i'll be fine.”

Kay looked skeptical. If there's anything I can do..

“Invent a time machine.” Matt sighed.

Anything reasonable

Matt smiled softly. “Go talk to your damn brother and tell him you're sorry, tell him you love him and tell him he's totally justified in hating you I dunno. Just.. go talk to him okay?”

I will Matt, but.. not yet.

“Hey, we only have room for one coward in this family and I already laid claim to that title!” Matt looked stern.

Kay looked sheepish. I just... I need to figure out what I want to say first.

“Alright, but don't you dare chicken out on this. I'll pick you up and carry you to him if I have to, you don't weigh that much, I can totally do that.”

Kay looked bemused. He didn't doubt Matt really would do it. I promise, i'll speak to him. You sure you'll be okay?

“Yeah, I just need a bit of a time out. I might go finish actually cleaning, you know.. do your whole work to manage the trauma thing. I hate to admit it, but it kinda helps.” Matt shrugged.

It really does. Kay nodded.

"Now go on, get, go organise shelves or do paperwork or whatever it is you do. " Matt shooed him. He really did want to be alone right now.

Kay hurried out the room, he knew better than to outstay his welcome, particularly with Matt in this sort of mood.

He continued down the hall toward the medlab, hastily wiping his face clean on his sleeves. Well, there was a whole load of angst he hadn't been expecting. He knew he should speak to Esk, but honestly he really was too scared to do so right now. He didn't feel he quite had the strength to deal with his abuse just yet. Deserved or not, he wanted time to prepare.

James smiled. "Up until a few months ago, I lived my whole life on a space station smaller than Defiant. This is going to be so different, I bet. What are you going to do when you're there?" he asked.

Third continued to pad down the hallway, the soft growls echoing from his crimson painted lips and his yellow-green eyes stared furiously ahead of him. Oh, it was all too personal. Esk's pain made so much more sense, now. It made the reynard's blood run cold and as Esk's misery reverberated through his very marrow.

So alone, so alone...

The fox yelped softly to himself as the manic words whispered from his soul, his long-lost cries for help and guidance returning within these hours of knowing. Something that he had not uttered in several thousands of years. He needed to stifle it, the whispers people would hear in their heads and turn to its source; it would be him.

So alone, so alone...

He then saw him. Kaylr turned into his sights down the hall, and the white faced fox froze, his half-crazed eyes staring dangerously at the medic. The hackles rose, the tail and fur fluffed up and the lips peeled back, crinkling his skin into a silent snarl.

So alone, so alone...

~~~~~~

Vanessa and Merith both froze, looking to each other. Finally, the male answered honestly. "You all will be free to do what you wish, but we... We will be tried for our past crimes."

Kay paused, staring at third. So, Quinn was letting him just wander about now, indefinitely? great. He'd somewhat hoped he'd go back to being repressed once they'd gotten back, he didn't trust the fox at all.
He flinched, the last time they'd stood face to face like this Third had tried to attack him for criticizing his goddess. He had that same crazed rage on his face now.

Kay could hear the whispering echoing through his head.

W.. what? He asked, bewildered and a little worried for his own safety. What had he done this time? He didn't remember doing anything to Third.... or Quinn.

"Oh." James looked startled, but sympathetic. "That sucks."

Shane smiled a little then shrugged. "It happens sometimes, even among straight humans." he said then shrugged.

~~~
skye nodded and smiled at Tala and Luka "We do try to keep the kids safe

Ellie nodded. "They'll still freak out. It'll be funny. I'm kinda worried about how the magicky people here will react though."

~~
"Children are magnets for danger," Tala said doubtfully.